A Life - In Training

Why?

2011-09-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

So as provocative as that title is (or isn't), I'm finding myself wondering "why?" a lot lately: Why things have happened the way they have; why can't I maintain a certain mindset; why I wallow in whatever; why I seem to almost (but not totally) sabotage myself with procrastination. It's a lot to consider.

Right now, I should be reading. I only have a little of this list left and I really should have finished last week.... but, the gf was in town and I was enjoying that a little too much. The truth is that I just don't want to read what I'm having to read. And when I do want to read, I don't want to read it the way that I have to read it. I started studying lit because I loved to read and analyze and discuss. I think I'm good at it actually. But classes make you read too fast and then don't provide enough intimate dissection of any given text. How could they I guess. But it's just frustrating.

I am at a point when I should feel like I'm getting confidence in my knowledge, and I guess I am. I just don't know why you have to take the joy out of the thing you love to get there.

That's probably too negative.

I know that these are set up this way for a specific reason. They train your brain to look for things (hopefully) consciously and subconsciously. They put the fear of God/god/whatever in you about a test so that you'll get stuff done. Let's face it: you don't get to this level of study without disliking anything but an A+, which makes you a variety of completist, a variety of ambitious, a variety of arrogant, a variety of elitist. Also, usually the lists are great. They either contain the books you've never had time to read (even though you kept promising) or they have hidden gems that you never would have known about any other way. So they give you an inhuman task with a deadline that makes you feel like someone will surely die if you don't complete everything - and you do it. You complete (or at least you do more than you thought you could) the inhuman task and you read. You think you don't remember anything, but you do. That's the funny part. Of the people that I know that have taken this/these exams, there is a trend of thinking you don't remember at the test time, but then you do. And you keep remembering.

It's like your brain is a muscle that gets worked out. As it gets worked out, it contracts. And there's lots of stuff like acids and pain and whatever going on and you feel weak at the end. But then the muscle lengthens and all the strength that was there when it contracted into the chaotic ball is still there and maybe better. That's what this process feels like. Except instead of biceps, it's your brain. It gets worked out and contracts and hurts and there's layers of damage-feeling owies and then you relax and it's still there. And then, of course, all that contracted bulk becomes nothing but a layer of foundation because once you build muscle (yes, you can loose it, but..) the body remembers and it goes there again and a little easier. Which is cool.

After we go through all this pain and contract our brains, we will have a great, huge foundation of knowledge. And that makes us even more completist, ambitious, arrogant, and elitist.

Excellent.

Starting this again

2011-05-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

So, I've taken some time off to get a little more sorted, but now I've got the bug again to write, to talk about things, to do something about all of this. Soon, within the next two weeks, I have to finish writing two papers from last term, do extraordinarily well in Latin, and grade, grade, grade. Then the real work begins. Breadth exams and orals. The reading lists. Fun. Kinda but not really.

But, in the mean time, I've started prioritizing some physical activity. I've continued to ride my bike with my friend Leslie. Now, I've started running, shuffling really. I'm on a schedule and I've got fancy new shoes. I decided to do this because of my girlfriend. She's a cross country runner, soccer player, swimmer, baller, all-around jock type. We jumped a fence (I haven't done that in years) and played a little soccer and then did laps around the field. I did two. She did many. But I ran around the field twice and it didn't hurt my ankle or my back, so I got to thinking.... maybe I could run, if I took it easy enough.

So, I decided to only run on soft surfaces for a little bit. That's easy here in Eugene. Pre's Trail is cedar, beautiful and right outside my front door. It's easier on my old, fat joints. Then I decided I needed structure. I have a ten week plan to try to get to 20 minutes of non stop running. If I need to take more than 10 weeks, I'll do it, but it's structure with built in progress. And I have a training partner. Leslie has been more than a great cheerleader on the two runs we've made so far. Plus, afterward, I hop on my bike and we go on a run where she's running her pace and I'm biking.

Saturday was the first day. I rode my bike to meet her, we walked for five minutes, and then I run for a minute and then walk for two. I do the run/walk interval seven times. I felt strong, which I didn't expect, but I think the biking must have helped with that. The problem, that day, was cardio. Not only am I out of shape, but my rack is so big that I have to wear 3 bras to try to contain the problem. The compression on my ribcage is murder so I hope that at least some of my breathing problems has to do with the bras. I did feel like my shoulders were relaxed, my knees were high. I felt like I looked like a runner. But I got a side stitch. And I couldn't talk, which is what you're supposed to be able to do. And I had to bend over twice to get my breathing on board. I know that I went from this place to that place but not how far. I'm going to not worry about those details right now. I also know that I'm slow, but I can't care about that.

Today, we met again. I hadn't realized how sore my legs are, but they are sore. I felt better with cardio. I didn't get a stitch. Leslie said that I seemed stronger, but I didn't feel like I looked like a runner. I felt like my knees weren't raising. I was shuffling. I felt old and awkward. But I know that I did 1.3 miles total in 26 minutes which is slower than I probably would have walked it, but I can't worry about that. Leslie says that I am walking slower than I normally would to help recover but that I'm running faster than I walk (which is slow regularly). So I just need to not worry about that. This is starting to be a huge lesson in learning not to worry. Worry about breathing. Check. Worry about picking up my knees. Check. Be proud that I did it. No matter how slow or awkward. I did it. And that feels really good.

I came home and started drinking a gatorade and I ate some cereal. During this time, my quads have decided that they don't like me so I might not be able to get up. But I am still too happy that I actually went running today. I'm meeting Leslie for our usual I-ride-she-runs tomorrow at 6am and I'm happy about that. It'll work some soreness out.

I am worried about Thursday. Leslie won't be able to go with me and I'm not sure I'll make myself go out. I'm not good at that yet. And when I get there, will I run as strong, as long, as much as I need to?

We'll see.

And The Beat Goes On...

2011-03-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, after I posted about needing spend money on my automobiles, the vehicles in question decided to temper tantrums and up and quit. ON THE SAME DAY. I don't know what's wrong with them, but they need to be fixed. So, yea! for me.

But, I'm not going to let this get me down. I'm going to figure it out and do the best I can.

Part of this attitude stems from the fact that the GF visited and it was a great weekend. She's the love of my life and I'm glad she puts up with me. I wish she could have stayed longer, but she'll be back soon. Having a weekend of her, without worrying about anything other than what we wanted to do at the moment we wanted to do it was really good for me. And I think her too. I can't wait for her to come here again.

Yesterday, I kinda sucked my thumb about missing her but that's usual. Today, I had a meeting with the Director of Graduate Studies and laid out a couple of the problems I've been having lately. Nothing too serious, but annoying - the problems, I mean. So I was really anxious beforehand and didn't actually want to have the meeting, but I knew I had to. I'm glad that I did. She helped and she was very sympathetic. I don't know why I was surprised because she is generally very helpful, so I think I just figured my problems are just small and unimportant. Or maybe I think I should just be able to figure everything out on my own. Or maybe both of those things. But we figured out a plan of action and I'm back on track with very little bruising to anything other than my pride. And I can live with that.

The answer (her answer, which to a certain extent is the only answer) to my problem wasn't actually the one I wanted. It will be hard. And I can't put anything off because of it. However, it is the best choice, I think. I think it's the right choice. It's just not the easiest choice. So, I'm glad that I went to speak with her and I'm glad that I have a plan, but I still feel a bit stressed. I think this stems from the fact that it wasn't the choice I wanted. Now, I know that we're all supposed to fight against what we don't want and for the thing we do want. Fight to be heard. Really heard. Usually, I'm that girl. In fact, usually I'm the girl who laughs in your face and does what the hell she wants anyway. But, she did hear me. She heard what I was saying and she knows what I need to do. So, I'm just going to have to trust her. And I'm going to have to trust myself, which is something that I've not been doing lately.

I think that I'll be happier with the choice when I'm in the middle of it and I'm getting it done. It'll be hard, but it won't be as hard as it was going to be. There was still a choice made - a pairing down of responsibilities.

It's hard to trust yourself to do what's right for yourself sometimes. And sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing.

All of this anxiety and happiness and loneliness is tempered, however, by the fact that I'm actually loosing weight. I've lost about five pounds since starting this blog on Feb. 28. I haven't stopped Mt. Dew, but I'm drinking a LITTLE more water and I'm going on a bike ride once or twice a week with my friend who's training for a marathon. This is exciting.

I am feeling upbeat.

Sometimes Even the Best Laid Plans Go Awry

2011-03-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Since I came back to school in 2005, I've had a plan. I have not deviated from the plan. I have expanded the plan or figured the details of the plan out as they come up, but I've kept to the road. Like a good Little Red Riding Hood. And there have been wolves. One particular wolf, named Very Little Money, is hard to kill. He keeps menacing me, actually chases me. Barks. Other wolves have names like Very Little Confidence, Very Little Time, Very Little Incentive, and Very Little Sleep. I struggle with them all.

"Buckle your seatbelt," as Bette Davis says, "It's going to be a bumpy ride."

Time Wolf works in conjunction with Money Wolf to harass me. Time Wolf attacks from the front. It's almost Spring Term and then there is Summer, which is when I will be reading for Breadth Exams and Orals Exams in the Fall. I have to pass these to advance to candidacy so that I can write my dissertation. Without a dissertation, I could get a job but it wouldn't be the job I want. So to get a good job, I have to write, but I can't do that unless I pass tests. And I can't do that unless I read all summer. This means no job if I can help it. Money Wolf attacks from the right flank. I don't get a paycheck during the summer from my funding, so I have to use financial aid. And get a job. Since I can't get a job this summer, I have to save as much money as possible this Spring term to supplement my money during the summer. But I have to go to a conference. In May. In Kalamazoo, which would be fun but I'm worried about money. That trip is going to be pricey, probably close to $1000 with flights and rooms and food and etc.

So I have to lighten my load. To lessen my financial burden (existing debt), I will gladly sell my beloved motorcycle and even my truck. Very Little Incentive Wolf dogs me because I love the motorcycle more than I've love some of the girls I've dated. And it rains in Oregon. A LOT. So getting rid of my truck, which protects me from rain. There are many reasons to have a car and, as much as the GF likes the idea of reducing the toxicity of vehicles within the environment, my truck makes my life easier. BUT, to sell my truck, I'm going to have to spend money to fix it (not that there's too much wrong with it), but it's Money Wolf again. I even have to spend money to sell my motorcycle because I haven't tagged the thing in Oregon yet and it'll just be easier. Money, money, money. Most of it leaving my pockets and not a lot of it coming into my pockets.

Selling the vehicles will lighten my monthly expenditures too - insurance, gas, possible parking tickets. I will even get more exercise. Incentive Wolf renews the pressure on that one.

But when I sell the vehicles, I pay off my credit cards (hopefully). This will loosen my load considerably. I also only have a month left on my cell phone plan, so I just get a house phone. Incentive Wolf pops up and reminds me about all the texting that everyone does to communicate these days. And the ability to get in touch with the GF or for her to get in touch with me more easily (reminder: she lives in a different town). And then there's cable: I have a lot of channels that I'm not interested in except to waste time when I should be READING.

See how circular life is?

A More Positive Note and Some Goals

2011-03-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

After my last post, I was tired: tired of my negativity, tired of my pain, tired of being stagnant. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to stand still, like when you're lost. And I think I was lost for a long time. Now, I feel like I've been standing still for too long. And as much as I thought that I was making progress, I wasn't making as much progress as I thought. I have been focused on my career, but not on my personal life.

So, I went to the gym. I couldn't handle being stagnant again. I went to the gym and spent 30 excruciating minutes in the pool. And then I went home. I didn't feel better, but I guess I didn't have to. It's more important to do what I know I should instead of what I feel like doing. Working out doesn't have to make me feel better right now because it'll make me feel better later.

I'm tired of feeling like crap, of thinking about every move I make before I make it. I'm tired of feeling like the athlete (relative) that I used to be is dead.

I did feel better. Since then, I've gone on a couple of bike rides: 1 for 8-9 miles, 1 for 7 miles.

I feel stronger. I can see where I want to be. Yes, I get frustrated and impatient to be where I used to be, but I am determined to celebrate the positive steps that I am now taking.

Next step, finish my term. This will not be quick. It will not be pleasant. I will get very little sleep. My main goal during this, other than finishing with quality work, is to eat. Yeah, I'm fat and I need to loose weight, but I need to have energy.

Then, I want to switch, finally, to caffeine pills. I'm weirded out about popping pills, but the pills don't have the calories and sugars.

After the term is over, I want to work out in some way every day. I have a friend who recently did yoga everyday for 30 consecutive days. I'm thinking about trying something like that.

Small steps. Change my mindset - stop worrying about failure and start trying.

Frustration. And GRRRR.

2011-03-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of ambition for some pretty small steps, but I seem to be self-sabotaging. I bought caffeine pills so that I could withstand the debilitating caffeine-withdrawal symptoms. I cleared the use of the pills with my therapist and a pharmacist. I thought maybe this was a good idea because I'm already addicted to caffeine and quitting (cold turkey or gradually) is hard and I feel like a failure about it all. I thought the pills, which are purely caffeine, would be better than the Mt. Dew because the Dew has a lot of sugar and a lot of calories. My inability to stop drinking MD is a source of disappointment and pain for me. I actually spend time with my therapist trying to figure out why I'm attached to the MD, because I've drunk it my whole life. My mother (hmmm, yeah I actually talk about the connection in therapy) drinks it too.

So I bought the pills and instantly freaked out because I couldn't picture my life without the MD. It actually gave me anxiety to even think about not having it around. So, I'm trying to figure that out.

Then I decided to try to incorporate more exercise into my life. Even though I have free access to a gym at the University, I have considered joining the local Y because they have a warm-water pool and lots of gentle yoga classes. I was really excited about this, but I feel myself resisting.

I don't know. I'm feeling frustrated and anxious and depressed.

I Want To Ride My Bicycle

2011-02-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

For my birthday, my beautiful GF gave me a cool cruiser bicycle. I will admit to being a bit skeptical at first: I am a very butch, very portly lesbian, so the idea of riding around on a girl's bike didn't seem at all flattering or cool. Luckily for me, the GF didn't listen to my negativity and convinced me that the bike was indeed COOL and that it was BUTCH and I should get over myself. She's actually very good at convincing me to do all sorts of things that I wouldn't normally. (I will admit that even from the beginning I was won over to the bike simply because she was instantly excited about it. I will do all sorts of silly, not-butch things to make her smile.)

The choice of a bicycle as a present was also a genius move on her part - I've got a bad back and worse right ankle so walking, which would be good for my back, is very painful. Riding a bike, however, is a good way to 1) get outside (the GF is very big on me "getting out of the house"), and 2) get active without hurting too much. Plus, I live in a very flat town so using a bike as a form of transport is possible, even as out of shape as I am. Since the GF is one of those "go green" bush-hippy sorts, this made her even happier.

The best part of all of this is that it made me REALLY happy too. I like that I can get out and about without a motor of any kind other than my own two legs and get places without pain. This is very liberating to me, which is important. I think everyone needs to have epiphanies of liberty every so often.

For the last two Sundays, I've been going on rides with a good friend who is training for a marathon. I didn't think that I could do it at first. It's easy to be negative about your own abilities when you haven't even tested them for awhile. Last Sunday, I did about 5 or 6 miles, as opposed to my friend's 8 miles. She did intervals and was clocking a sub-7 minute mile. My back was a bit sore for a couple of days (more sore than the everyday pain I live with), but then towards the end of the week, even though I hadn't biked since her run, I found myself spending great chunks of the day without pain.

Yesterday, Sunday, was the first day I had been back on the bike since the Sunday before and I rode about 14 miles beside my running friend. We stopped a couple of times, but only once for me. I got tired and it hurt (again, I am out of shape), but I couldn't stop simply because I had it way easier than my friend who had to run that whole time. After the ride, I was smarter: I stretched, drank water, applied Sombra to my back, later took a salt bath. Today, I'm a little stiff but I'm getting better.

It's great! I'm proving to myself that I can do things. I can still move my body and be strong (not as strong as I once was, maybe, but I'm working on it). I find myself wanting to ride more often; I'm mad at the current rainy weather because I don't want to have to be wet all day. Even after just twice, I think the activity is really helping my back.

But it's also great because my friend and I get to talk, to catch up, to bitch about our very similar worries and fears. We both feel less alone. And that is the best gift my GF has ever given me.

Being interesting

2011-02-28T18:41:00.002-08:00

I've been struggling for a long time with an addiction to Mt. Dew. I drink A LOT of it and it is a contributing factor to my current weight and health problems. As I struggle with how to quit drinking (or wanting) it, I'm thinking about why I consume it, when I consume it, how to stop. I realize that a can or bottle of Mt. Dew is an easy way to distract myself from stress, pain of any kind, sadness of any kind boredom, and hunger. Yesterday, I purchased caffeine pills to try to replace the drink without feeling the withdrawal symptoms. As soon as walked out of the store, I started to get anxious: what would my life look like without Mt. Dew. Who would I be if I didn't have a green can/bottle in my hand? What would I drink?

The next question that I asked myself had to be: who am I? This question is overwhelming because I'm 38, half-way through a PhD program, and very committed to my career path. Now is not the time to need to find myself; I don't have time for that. And I know who I am - I am a friend, a lover, a hard-nosed hardass; I am a reader, a writer, a teacher, a colleague; I'm a goof-ball, a control freak, a fighter. I'm all those things and more and I'm okay with it.

The problem, then, is that I know who I am, but I am still not happy. I don't seem to enjoy my own company; I don't find myself interesting, usually. I don't trust that others do either. Why not? Well, trust issues are insecurities and that's a whole different ballgame, but I am usually bored when I'm not working unless I'm hanging out with friends. If I bore myself, why? I ask myself what is it that I love to do? Maybe I've just felt too stressed or overworked to do the things that make me less bored. I love travel, reading, discussing the reading that I do, hanging with friends, being with GF, and listening to music. This list made me anxious because it's not very long. Are these the only things that I love? Surely there's more, but I really can't think of any.

Maybe a more fruitful, and hopeful, question is: what would I love to do? I would love to already have my PhD and a very cool job at a very cool university (it's my wish list and I will not back down). I would love to travel more and, while I'm there, I want to do physical things like kayaking, hiking, biking. I want to have adventures with my body (get your mind out of the gutter) and not just my mind. I'd love to play soccer. I'd love to compete in triathalons. I want to write novels (lesbian best-sellers). I want to see the world's greatest art in the world's most beautiful places. I would love to learn every ballroom dance and dance them regularly. This list made me happier and as if I could be interesting if I just got off my ass and did some of the things I wanted to be able to do.

Here's to getting off of my ass and remembering that I am interesting to myself.

Day One - Its a Journey

2011-02-28T18:41:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I'm not sure exactly how much or how often I will actually post to this blog. I don't know if I have time and I don't know if have anything to say that would actually be about anything other than William Langland or Geoffrey Chaucer. All I know is that I used to write. Fiction, mostly. Sometimes poetry. I used to write for fun; now I write as a job of sorts - research papers. Don't get me wrong, I love the research and, sometimes, I love to write papers, but sometimes.... Sometimes, I just want to go for coffee and talk about it with others who have done similar research. Grad school can be very lonely at times. Luckily for me, my program is more collegial than competitive so a free exchange of ideas can happen without too much worry.

The anti-social nature of grad school is not helped by the fact that I am a medievalist in training, which means (I've learned this recently) that I will always know that I do not know enough. There are always more sources, both primary and secondary, that I didn't even know that I didn't even know about. And being a medievalist means that other scholars (not all, but enough) think that you are 1) crazy and 2) out of touch with modern theory. Being a medievalist is hard: the languages, the at times ambiguous historical and cultural contexts, the theology, the layers of meaning. Its enough to drive someone mad (see complaint number 1).

I do not wish you, poor reader, to think that I dislike being a medievalist in training because I don't. I love it. I just don't always know why, other than the very reasons it makes me crazy. But that's love, sometimes.

Speaking of love, this blog is supposed to be a sort of autobiography of successes and failures in all aspects of my life. I am very lucky to have incredibly supportive friends and family, which includes my girlfriend (I will call her gf in the blog). I mention her very specifically simply because, in this pursuit of balance, she is a very real part of the balance I hope to achieve or maintain. Relationships of a more intimate nature are always something of which to be mindful, but this one is rendered more precarious because we do not live in the same town. Long distance plus grad school can sometimes equal exhaustion. While we have been lucky enough to see each other very regularly, the closeness makes the distance seem even greater when we are not together. When we are together, very little exists outside of ourselves. This sort of pleasurable solitary confinement requires extra diligence when it comes to work and friends who are a necessity for me in the pursuit of my career goals.

Career goals are not the only ones that I have. It becomes more and more apparent that, in my pursuit of happiness, I've become a sedentary creature. This means that my weight is not something of which I am proud. Also, being non-active combined with my age (38) is leading already to health problems - bad back and worse ankles. Add to this an addiction to sugary caffeinated drinks and you have a lot of unbalance. Now, I am trying to find my way down this path. All these things are why I am starting to write this blog. I hope that I can find time and energy to continue to write and I hope that if you read it, you won't be bored silly by the topic d'jour.